INT. AUSTIN’S BEDROOM - MORNING

The year is 2014. AUSTIN POWERS awakes from a peaceful sleep. He smiles, rolls over. Nobody is in bed with him. He notices a series of picture frames on a console table. He picks one up. It’s Austin and FOXXY (Beyonce).

Austin puts down the photo and picks up the next one - Austin and SULTRY MAMITA (Jessica Alba) in Baghdad. Saddam’s statue is falling in the background.

Austin puts down the photo and moves to the next one. It’s Austin and FRANCINE ECONOLODGE (Paris Hilton) getting married on a yacht. Francine is drunkenly vomiting on Austin’s tux.

We see the photos of his other lovers from the last 12 years: Lindsay Lohan, Eva Longoria, Sun from LOST, Betty White, Jennifer Lawrence. Austin sighs.

A sly smile slowly sneaks across Austin’s face. He looks up from the photos and into the camera.

MUSIC: “Theme from Austin Powers.” Austin bounces out of frame and into an elaborate musical number.

EXT ENGLISH STREET - DAY

Austin leads his parade of dancers in a routine. It’s very elaborate and involves a number of celebrity cameos, up to and including MILEY CYRUS, who he stumbles across filming a music video.

Everyone breaks out into a dance again. Just as it’s really taking off, the music cuts off and a stereo crashes onto the street. Austin looks up to reveal--

DR. EVIL, wearing a do-rag and apron, popping his head out of an apartment window.

Austin gives a flirty wink to the camera. He means sex phone chats.

CLOSE SHOT Of DR. EVIL - A pigeon flies by and drops a load of dookie on his bald head.

Dr. Evil does his patented “EVIL LAUGH” as he SHOOTS INTO THE AIR (The floor was actually a rocket pod the whole time.)

Miley gives him a knowing look, turns to the camera, does that tongue face. Suddenly, Austin’s SPECTACLES VIBRATE.

Austin turns on his Google Glass to find BASIL EXPOSITION, sitting at his desk.

JEREMY LIN dribbles in wearing a New York Knicks uniform. However, “NEW YORK” has been poorly CGI’d to say “HOUSTON” because this scene was shot during the last winding moments of Linsanity before he was traded.

A Roomba scurries at his feet. He does a crossover and it explodes into a puff of smoke that begins to fill the room.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE slides in, RISKY BUSINESS-style, dressed as his character from the Saturday Night Live Digital Short “Dick In A Box.”

Justin bows to Jeremy then takes the lid off his box and pulls out a Swedish-made penis pump enlarger.

Austin pulls out his Samsung Galaxy S5 and points to a “Swedish-Made Penis Pump Enlarger” app on the homescreen.

GO-GIRLS enter, wearing thick-rimmed glasses. Everybody dances to JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE singing “Suit & Tie,” a song which will already be dated.

MARTIN SHORT pops his head up from a nearby floor vase.

MEANWHILE, SCOTT EVIL watches from his lair on the moon.

A long, squeaky fart is let out while Scott appears to be surprised he wasn’t able to hold it. It lasts a minimum of 5 seconds. Scott takes a moment to compose himself before speaking again.

Scott is interrupted by another fart that it twice as long as the first one, but just as squeaky, with a few bubbles thrown in.

Scott is being interrupted by a series of short juicy farts. He attempts to complete the last word of the sentence several times, but is interrupted every time. After 5-6 farts, Scott looks around the room waiting for another fart to happen, but the room is silent.

Scott is interrupted by the biggest fart yet.

Another short fart punctuates the sentence after Scott has finally finished the word. Scott collects himself.

From the shadows of half-lit hallway, we hear steps coming forth. We cut to feet in black shoes, under black slacks, clicking along the hallway floor. From the darkness, into the light of the room, emerges…

Pan away from Scott’s lunar base, as he laughs and Maxi-Me laughs with him. The pan away is slow and is long enough that their evil laughing comes to its natural conclusion. As we are floating in space, far away, still looking at the base…

EXT. STREETS - DAY

Austin and Jeremy Lin are driving around in the SHAGMOBILE.

Austin and Jeremy pull up to a shagedelic club designed to look like a giant cat. The club’s name is displayed on a flashing neon sign that says “Meow That’s What I Call Music!”

INT. MEOW CLUB - MOMENTS LATER

Austin and Jeremy sip drinks. Cat version of GANGNAM STYLE plays.

He looks around, but sees nothing. Suddenly, the ground shakes.

FAT BASTARD walks into view, but appears elderly: glasses, cane, white hair. From henceforth, he will be call OLD BASTARD.

Suddenly a baby falls from the sky and Austin catches it.

Iwo babies fall from the sky. Austin catches, then throws them away. Old Bastard approaches.

Old Bastard violently spits in Jeremy’s face. There’s a brief pause, but then they all laughs.

A henchman runs in and hands Jeremy Lin a fat suit.

Austin and Old Bastard look at each other and nod knowingly.

EXT: ELIZA DOOLITTLE CENTER FOR PRONUNCIATION

There is a marquee that says: My Phair Lady w/ Liz Phair 1 nite only!

INT: CLASSROOM

FELICITY SHAGWELL, in a conservative teaching outfit and hair pinned back is teaching a group of disinterested students.

Old Bastard flings open the door and enters with Austin.

Lin enters behind them wearing fat suit.

Old Bastard makes a face like he just farted so hard he pooped.

We see pop sensation BRANDY NORWOOD is also in attendance at the class. She is struggling to do a British accent.

She gives a frustrated sigh.

Everyone is revolted. Old Bastard makes a face as he farts and poops again in his pants

Everyone is impressed. Old Bastard screws up his face, smiles and farts in her direction. The noxious gas forms a heart.

CUT IO Montage set to Brandy’s “Have You Ever” of Felicity teaching Jeremy, Jeremy getting frustrated, throwing books, speaking into a mirror, watching The King’s Speech, falling asleep on his notes, Austin with a huge bulge in his pants walking up behind Felicity and pulling out 2 apples for her, Old Bastard farting in a scottish accent and Jeremy imitating him. Austin spanking himself with a ruler for Felicity, Austin wearing a Catholic School girl’s uniform. Austin booking Jeremy as he walks down the hall. Jeremy eating lunch on the toilet, studying notes. Fat Bastard is in next stall taking a monstrous dump. The smell wafts over to Brandy who has been singing this whole time at the high school prom. She smiles. End Montage.

INT. DR. EVIL’S CLOUD LAIR

DR. EVIL sits at the head of a large conference table. Seated at the table is number of children wearing eye patches. The children vary in gender and age. DR. EVIL stares at them suspiciously.

Reveal NUMBER 2.

KID WITHOUT EYE PATCH cringes.

IGOTTA BONER (Bryan Cranston) sits among the children, smiling.

All children, Number 2 and Igotta Boner laugh uproariously.

All children, Number 2 and Igotta Boner laugh.

Igotta Boner does the zip it hand gesture to Dr. Evil.

Number Iwo and the kids are eating popcorn. The most flamboyant kid eats a hot dog (like a weiner).

5 sec pause as Igotta, Number 2, Scott and Maxi-Me look at eachother.

Back to Austin’s pad, Austin & Felicity sitting in a hot tub.

THE LOVE GURU rises from the bottom of the hot tub, playing his Sitar.

Austin and Felicity give each other a puzzled look.

Austin and Felicity GASP.

Austin and Felicity DOUBLE GASP.

Austin and Felicity start getting electrocuted by the hot tub time machine and they land in 1982. When they “land, ” JOHN CUSACK comes up from under the water where he has been sucking Austin’s dick.

JOHN CUSACK gets out of the hot tub time machine and runs away. In the background, you hear a car swerve and hit a man (JOHN CUSACK) and screams of pain. Text pops up for 10 seconds that says R.I.P. JOHN CUSACK as AUSTIN and FELICITY sit in silence.

Austin and Felicity look up and see the Centers for Disease Control. Just then, a sexy doctor walks out of the CDC. She is played by HELEN MIRREN, her character name is DOCTOR DONKEY. Every time Austin says her name, he says it like how he says “Donkey” in Shrek.

groovy crazy man like I did Foxxy Cleopatra before. Uh, I mean, time to solve the Ebola crisis. [AUSTIN winks at the camera] Austin and Felicity follow Doctor Donkey to the entrance of a nearby bar. It’s a gay bar called PRIDE ROCK.

Austin and Felicity enter the bar. Its patrons are all dressed as characters from the hit Broadway production, The Lion King. A large, bear-like man approaches them, dressed as PUMBAA. He has a small, wisecracking sidekick named TIMON.

Austin gives Timon and Pumbaa a suggestive wink. There is a smash-cut to Austin, Timon, and Pumbaa having a tantric orgy in a makeshift yurt in the basement of Pride Rock, while Felicity looks on disapprovingly, yet reluctantly participates.

TIMON and PUMBAA Hakuna Matata!

INT. PRIDE ROCK - LATER THAT NIGHT

Austin has Broadway show make-up all over his face. Timon and Pumbaa are gone.

Felicity pulls a protective layer of clear plastic off of her whole body.

Austin crumples against the wall.

Austin clenches his butt cheeks and groans as he shits himself. He slips into a diarrhea induced coma and begins to hallucinate.

INT. AUSTIN’S HALLUCINATION - CONTINUOUS

The Devil from “Bedazzled”, a.k.a. Elizabeth Hurley, a.k.a. DEVIL ELIZABETH HURLEY appears in full red devil regalia.

D.E.H. whips Austin and his suit magically turns into a diaper.

Ten more DEVIL FEMBOTS show up and circle Austin. They shoot fire out of their breasts and burn off Austin’s diaper. The robot ladies giggle at Austin’s extremely hairy, naked body, and he begins to cry.

I’m not a baby, baby. This is so not groovy. For a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, brief period you were the love of my life. Why are you doing this to me?

The Devil Fembots shoot more flames, creating a DR. EVIL FIRE CYPHER.

D.E.H. and D.E.F.C. begin to aggressively make out on top of naked Austin.

As DR. EVIL FIRE CYPHER describes his plan, a diagram of the occurrences appears above him in flames born from his own skin.

We see mountains sprout up on each side of the “display” area above Dr. Evil’s flaming body, lined with henchmen holding giant, phallic alphorns with two, round containers full of ebola at the base of each.

Even in his ebola-ridden, hallucinogenic state, Austin turns and throws a wink to the camera.

The henchmen in the fire diagram blow into the phallic alphorns, sending liquid shooting from the bell of each horn and raining down to the earth below.

The signal sounds just like the Ricola commercial dudes. Dr. Evil Fire Cypher begins his classic maniacal laughter as Austin chuckles though his searing anal pain.

Suddenly Austin KARATE CHOPS the Ebola vial out of Dr. Evil’s Hand. It was all a ruse!

Austin throws a ninja star from his pocket at the signal but it caught! By none other than GOLDFINGER FROM AUSTIN POWERS GOLDMEMBER!

Dr. Evil presses a button and suddenly a secret time machine pops out from under the ground!

Austin watches in horror as HITLER, STALIN, MUSSOLINI, FAT BASTARD, MINI ME, and a variety of other villains throughout history enter the room from the time machine.

Austin CLOCKS Hitler across the face, knocking him out! The rest of the time traveled bandits look at Austin in fear!

The various villains from across time walk towards Austin.

Suddenly, Austin wakes up from his diarrhea dream in a cold sweat, lying in bed.

He lifts up the covers and a cloud of farts heads toward his face.

The farts make him pass out again. Austin is now on a football field on the set of the movie “The Blindside”. He is dressed as Sandra Bullock’s Oscar-winning character LEIGH ANNE TOUHY. TIM MCGRAW reprises his role as SEAN TOUHY. THE BLINDSIDE is in his football uniform standing with his back to them.

The Blindside turns around. It’s OLD BASTARD in a football uniform.

Austin wakes up from his diarrhea dream again, panting.

She notices he has a boner under the covers.

INT. CARNEGIE HALL - NIGHT

Felicity and Austin sneak around backstage during a live production of the 1982 Broadway Smash THE LION KING. Austin’s erection persists and he walks with shitty pants’d gait.

Austin vomits in a nearby wastebasket for 10 seconds.

Felicity feels compelled to tell Austin the difference between theater and real life but thinks twice. She’s pretty sure Austin’s dying.

ANGLE ON: Austin’s very persistent erection.

Just then, we see an ACTOR take center stage in a Mufasa costume.

Austin hears this and charges onstage, tackling the costumed actor.

Austin does a long take to camera. Just then, a GUNSHOT rings out. The Actor falls dead. Austin looks up to see the REAL, CARTOON MUFASA standing in a box seat, holding a PISTOL.

CUT TO: Audience, which is half-filled with famous cartoon characters

Austin removes the large ornate crown costume piece that the dead actor playing Mufasa was wearing and places it on his own head as the music picks back up again and hoards of actors in African animal costumes dance around. They skillfully and artistically remove the dead actor as Austin picks up the choreography and finishes the big number.

Austin welcomes a slew of cartoon characters (including Jessica Rabbit, Tina Belcher, Popeye, Peter Griffin, Marge Simpson, Elsa from Frozen, Spongebob Squarepants) into backstage dressing room as sexy music plays and he and Felicity flirt and distribute drinks. The door shuts. Austin opens the door and peeks out.

Meanwhile, Dr. Evil is walking the streets of New York City, dejected, kicking along an empty can of beans. Audio of his ‘Zip-It’ challenge loss plays as a single tear rolls down his cheek. ‘Clocks’ by COLDPLAY plays over the entire montage

Cut to: Dr. Evil passes a trash can. He stops and pulls out a card that reads ‘Evil Villain Certification’. He doesn’t even look twice at it as he throws it in the trash, shuffling away.

Cut to: Dr. Evil is shuffling along the highway, the skyline of New York City behind him.

Cut to: Dr. Evil is under a bridge in a hobo circle, warming his hands in an oil drum fire. He is bearded, wearing shabby clothes and fingerless gloves. He looks to the full moon and the ‘Zip-It’ loss audio plays again.

Cut to: Dr. Evil is running along the side of a freight train, trying to steady his hobo bindle. He jumps in and settles into a modest bed of straw.

Cut to: Dr. Evil, worn and weary, approaches a seaside town in the Pacific Northwest.

Cut to: an old battered fishing ship, tossing and turning in a dark ocean storm. Dr. Evil is among the hard working crew, pulling in nets as the waves angrily slam the boat to and fro.

Cut to: The catch is sold in the markets in town, but the GREEDY CAPTAIN (cameo Tom Hanks) takes most of the earnings. He gives the fisherman a pittance: one gold coin each.

Cut to: Dr. Evil walks the streets of the seaport town dejectedly, kicking a can of beans. He walks by a man, played by some UCB guy, I guess, who recognizes him.

‘CLOCKS’ by Coldplay swells as he continues down the road.

Dr Evil passes a TV on the street playing people doing the Ice Bucket challenge and stops.

Just then an idea comes over Dr Evil. He’s realizing that he needs to help Austin defeat his idiot son Scott played by that real-idiot Seth Green.

Dr Evil, now with a full head of hair and beard (from living in the northwest) begins working on his solution - a time machine that will travel to the beginning of disease, 1982 BCE. He designs the machine out of what he has around as a fisherman. What he builds is something very similar to the Soul Plane, but a boat. It’s got very Pimp-ish colors and a lot of gold.

Dr Evil begins the final adjustments to the machine and prepares for his journey. He fills a backpack with everything he’ll need in the past. A syringe, a bottle of pills labeled with anti-biotics and a copy of “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac.

As Dr evil puts the final touches on the machine, he sets the dial to 1982 but misses where it says BCE and sets it to just CE. He presses the GAS pedal and off he goes! To the wrong 1982!

Cut BACK to Austin, he’s just finished his last Shagging episode for the night and they walk down the new half-cartoon world.

Felicity and Austin pass well-known cartoon characters like in Roger Rabbit.

Optimus Prime transforms into a semi-truck and nearly runs them over.

Suddenly, the sky vibrates and a cartoon version of Dr. Evil’s BOAT TIME MACHINE bursts into the sky. Austin spots Dr. Evil at the helm.

Austin bionically jumps into the air and punches the time machine.

Felicity reacts to the offscreen battle between Austin and the Time Machine. Cringe after cringe after cringe after cringe after cringe.

Her voice echos..

FADE TO: EXT. 1982 CITY STREET - DAY

Back in the non-cartoon world, Felicity leans over a woozy Austin trapped and squirming under Dr. Evil’s time machine.

A small anchor is thrown overboard and hits him in the dick.

A robotic ladder ominously lowers off the boat with Dr. Evil holding onto it. The ladder gets stuck, lowers, goes up, down, gets stuck, and up and down as Dr. Evil unsuccessfully attempts to reach the ground.

Scene changes to JEREMY LIN disguised as OLD BASTARD wearing a delivery driver outfit that says “BIG PACKAGE” on the front. He’s walking towards a security checkpoint where HENCHMAN is waiting.

HENCHMAN opens the box. Camera changes to a POV shot of the henchman looking into the box and it’s the face of DICK IN A BOX GUY. DICK IN A BOX GUY winks and then his fist erupts through the cardboard box, KO’ing the guard. Jeremy reaches into the box and shakes his hand.

Jeremy continues to sneak through the lair. He encounters an attractive woman dressed as ANOTHER HENCHMAN, and the same sequence from before happens again, this time more aggressive.

Another Henchman opens the box. DICK IN A BOX GUY winks.

Another Henchman looks up at Jeremy and then back down at DICK IN A BOX GUY.

Another Henchman blushes, DICK IN A BOX GUY hand comes out and touches her cheek. She leans down, and starts to make out with DICK IN A BOX GUY in the box. Jeremy is extremely uncomfortable.

Small sexy montage as the three of them have a sexy dance, Jeremy trying not to get involved but being sexually pressured by DICK IN A BOX GUY and Another Henchman to join in the sex.

The montage is interrupted by SCOTT EVIL and MAXI-ME walking into the hallway.

Maxi-Me pulls him up. As he’s doing so, a strip of fake fat latex peels off and falls to the floor. Maxi-Me pushes Jeremy into Scott’s arms.

Maxi-Me notices the strip of fat on the floor and bends down to examine it.

Scott pulls back the sleeve on his arm to show a horrible tattoo. It’s Old Bastard’s face, kind of in the style of that Spanish woman’s terrible Jesus painting.

Maxi-Me tentatively licks the strip of fat on the ground.

Jeremy/Old Bastard looks nervously at the strip of latex fat. Jeremy’s face turns from nervous to determined.

Compilation of FAT BASTARD SCENES play in thought bubble above Jeremy’s head.

Maxi-Me takes a bite of the latex fat. Chews it tentatively then aggressively. Maxi-Me swallows latex fat and a lump is shown going down his throat. Maxi-Me smiles approvingly and flexes muscles.

INT BIG BOY RESTAURANT - DAY

Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are at a Restaurant having a meal.

The WAITRESS ignores him and walks right on by.

DI. Evil yells loudly and other patrons notice the commotion.

Austin Powers holds up several PET ROCKS that he has with him.

Dr. Evil lunges over the table and scratches at Austin Powers.

Austin Powers hops onto the table, poses like a groovy cat (licks his paws, smoothes his ears back) and moves to hurl a rock at Dr. Evil.

Austin Powers stops and sniffs the air. Sniffs his own armpit. Puts Dr. Evil in a headlock and sniffs his head.

At that VERY moment, DWAYNE “The Rock” JOHNSON kicks down the door between the dining room and the kitchen, wearing a giant chef’s hat and whatever he wore when he was a wrestler. A speedo? I don’t know.

Suddenly, a deafening cheering can be heard. The walls of the diner pull up to reveal a WWE WRESTLING RING. The Rock circles Austin Powers and Dr. Evil, slamming his hands against his chest and barking. Or whatever The Rock did/does to intimidate his foes.

DWAYNE “The Rock” JOHNSON That’s my frickin LAST NAME, YOU JABRONEY. I’m here to get WHAT’S MINE, Professor Evil!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson grabs Dr. Evil’s arm and performs some kind of traditional wrestling move that cracks the bone in an unbelievably upsetting manner.

The Rock leaves the ring to pursue his career in politics.

Austin, on all fours, cat walks over to Dr. Evil who is now writhing on the floor in pain. He keeps muttering the word, “frick” over and over. Cat Austin begins to lick Dr. Evils broken arm.

Austin has somehow become even more catlike. His face has changed shapes, his ears have moved to the top of his head, he has a light fur all over his body, and he has even become small like a cat. He is adorable. He nozzles Dr. Evil’s face, and crawls onto his back. He begins to do that cat massage thing, exactly like the Chuck Jones cartoon “Feed The Kitty”. This slowly melts Dr. Evil’s cold heart. cartoon “Feed The Kitty”. This slowly melts Dr. Evil’s cold heart.

Mr. Powers, and his friend Mr. Evil, are petting each other in front of everyone. MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE comes in and says:

Macho Man Randy Savage exits.

CUT TO: Garbage man emptying Garbage.

CUT TO: Woman running a marathon. A different woman runs next to her.

CUT TO: Little boy mowing the lawn.

CUT BACK TO: Austin is zipping up.

CUT TO: A TELEVISION SET - We see President The Rock giving a speech.

CUT TO: Close-up on Austin’s face.

Camera zooms in on his mouth, then through CGI we go through his whole body where we end up in Austin’s brain. In his brain, there is an ANGEL AUSTIN and a DEVIL AUSTIN. They are not cats in his mind.

Angel Austin and Devil Austin lock eyes, trapped in desire. Ave Maria plays. The move towards each other, and just before their lips touch the scene draws out, back to Cat Austin.

INT. WATERGATE HOTEL

Cat Austin and Dr. Evil creep through the lobby. A large sign reads, “PRESIDENTIAL SCREENING OF ‘GANDHI’ TONIGHT -- CHESAPEAKE ROOM. MEN UNDER FORTY FURRY (M.U.F.F.) CONFERENCE -- NIXON BROOM CLOSET”)

President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and 1982 BEN KINGSLEY, surrounded by an entourage, swan into the lobby.

PRESIDENT DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON You have incredible eyes, Ben Kingsley.

Just then, 1982 PIERCE BROSNAN, dressed as a BUNNY, and 1982 RICHARD GERE, dressed as a GERBIL, walk into the lobby.

Cat Austin, 1982 Pierce Brosnan, and 1982 Richard Gere giggle together and exit through a side door. Dr. Evil feels emboldened with his new found sense of purpose. He pulls out a pocket mirror.

PRESIDENT DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON Hey! You’re not allowed back here. How’d you get into the White House?

PRESIDENT DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON Seize him, guards! Get out your tasers! The most electrifying tasers in all of the White House!

The guards shoot their tasers at Dr. Evil, Dr. Evil begins to wince and flail around like he in extreme pain.

PRESIDENT DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON The only small peanuts here are your little balls.

Cat Austin, 1982 Pierce Brosnan and 1982 Richard Gere re-enter through side door. 1982 Richard Gere is holding his butthole and crying.

Cat Austin dashes across the ring and dives into PRESIDENT DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON’s clothes. The President swats at the cat lump furiously racing around his body in a magical, sexual dance. We enter slo-mo as “When a Man Loves a Woman” plays and we see Dr. Evil reacting to the cat love fury in front of him. Cat Austin erupts from beneath the President’s clothes as the President’s heart EXPLODES from the sexiness.

VICE PRESIDENT MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE enters the arena.

IGOTTA BONER strolls into the arena with MILEY CYRUS held at gunpoint and a smoking time machine behind them.

Just then, Macho Man Randy Savage ends his silence and throws a chair at Igotta Boner, knocking him out cold! He lifts up Dr. Evil, Cat Austin, and Igotta Boner and throws them all into the time machine.

The crowd goes wild. MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE holds Miley Cyrus’ hand tenderly.

As Miley and Macho Man make out passionately, we zoom into the time machine which is set to go back.. to the Future! The Time Machine

brings them to 2017, where a slightly older SCOTT EVIL is waiting for them- with JEREMY LIN’s head on a spike!

LIAM NEESON, a henchmen of Scott’s, appears.

Liam Neeson doesn’t get the Linoelum pun because he only heard the latter half, looks blankly at SCOTT. SCOTT’s annoyed. Liam bears Jeremy Lin’s head on a pike away.

Collective groan.

send a dated pop culture icon to defeat me instead?!? Well, I’ve had enough of being ignored. (turns to IGOTTA, who has been a double agent all along. Cont.) NOW!

Igotta begins to charge towards Austin. There’s a groovy 60s mod/acid style/slow motion scene where everyone is erotically scared/confused/fighting set to Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood played in the style of the Doors. As we’re about to see Igotta lunge towards Austin, KANYE WEST enters.

Kanye projects a video montage of Igotta making deals with Scott, capturing Miley Cyrus from an orgy with all of those furries from the time travel scene.

Every character in the scene turns to the camera and sips tea.

Liam Neeson lunges towards Austin, Austin stops him.

Liam Neeson shakes his head, then redoubles his efforts to bring Austin to the ground. They are now wrestling. Igotta looks down, putting a hand to his stomach.

Time seems to stop for a moment. All other action in the room pauses. Quick shot of Austin and Liam, who both look up, and Kanye, who is dancing to no music, but stops to stare at this revelation.

FLASHBACK MONTAGE We see shots of the one-night stand between DR EVIL and FRAU, and, it turns out, NUMBER IWO was there as well. Quick cut to a hospital, FRAU laying in bed, DR EVIL to her right, a nurse brings her a baby. FRAU and DR EVIL look at the baby, she’s doting, he’s plotting. Then another nurse brings a baby, puts it in FRAU’S left arm, camera pans out to see NUMBER TWO to her left.

Scott and Igotta take a moment to digest the enormity of this information. They look deeply into each other’s eyes with their hands on each others shoulders. “Huey Lewis And The News”- ‘HEART AND SOUL’ (OR ANY SONG OF THEIRS) swells and the action goes into SLOW MOTION MONTAGE. KANYE moonwalks over to a really lovely fern in the corner and whispers “KIM” while humping it. LIAM and AUSTIN do the Macarena and then the NAE NAE. SCOTT and IGOTTA lean into each other and softly kiss and then deeply hug. JEREMY LIN’s head opens it’s eyes and begins to sing along with The Huey Lewis And The News song. The embrace between SCOTT and IGOTTA ends. They glower at each other.

Scott and Igotta take on a Mortal Kombat fight stance with Jeremy Lin’s head in the middle. Liam and Austin stand to the side.

As Scott and Igotta start to lunge toward each other, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man. It’s the inimitable DWAYNE ‘THE ROCK’ JOHNSON FROM 2016 DRESSED LIKE HE IS ON BALLERS! He inserts himself between the brothers to break up the fight.

WAIT! HOLD ON! HOLD ON! You guys are BROTHERS. HALF. So, that means that the two of you put together, make ONE brother. You guys need to remember OHANA. You ever watch Lilo & Stitch? Ugh. Awesome movie. Anyway, let’s put down the weapons - cause the only guns we need.. (ripping off his shirt) …are right here. (kissing his arm muscles) Everyone freezes. The Rock’s muscles are glowing and shooting light. Everyone is mesmerized.

Igotta gets out his laptop and starts working on a website. While this is happening, Scott sneaks up behind him with a SHAKE WEIGHT and holds it above his head, about to whack him.

Igotta leaps up from his chair, ready to once again fight his half brother. PSY, followed by THE CAST OF LOST, BURST from the hole in the wall where “The Rock” burst through, but there is no longer a wall

there, so they half-heartedly mime bursting through a wall, kicking some bricks and rubble.

“GANGNAM STYLE” plays. As “Gangnam Style” plays, everyone in the room stops what they are doing and does the hottest dance craze of 2012 with the cast of the hottest TV show that ended in 2010… LOST, BAYBEE!! While the dance is in full swing, the room begins to shake and we hear glass rumbling. The camera pans to the ceiling where we see a GIANT CHANDELIER. MADDIE ZIEGLER (THE LITTLE GIRL FROM SIA’S “CHANDELIER” MUSIC VIDEO) appears in the crowd in her nude leotard, doing the choreography from the video as “Chandelier” begins to blare. SIA then begins to descend from the chandelier. As she is coming down, everyone stares at her. She is wearing her famous half-black, half-platinum-blonde wig that covers the majority of her face.

As Sia has reached the ground, we notice MANY OTHER “SIAS” are coming down from the ceiling, 7 Sias in total. Everyone looks confused. All Of a sudden, we hear a robotic noise and the Sias’ NIPPLES are revealed to be guns because they’re actually FEMBOTS. Their boobies begin shooting people. The Cast of Lost is quickly killed, followed by Psy, The Rock, Kanye West and basically every other cameo that is still alive (ALL MAJOR CHARACTERS STAY ALIVE).

Wait a tick…

People are dodging bullets left and right and then Austin remembers that he needs to use his power of seduction to stop the Sia Fembots (as seen in the first movie). Austin disappears for a moment and then reappears wearing a nude leotard and Sia wig like in the Chandelierr video.

Fembots shoot at Austin. Austin dodges the bullets in the most sexy way possible, that just so happens to be the EXACT CHOREOGRAPHY of the Chandelier video. As Austin dances, he rips off his clothing, revealing a SIA BLONDE WIG above each of his nipples, his belly button and even a Sia wig on his dick. All but one Fembot explode, and the last one pins Austin to the ground with a knife to his neck.

Austin’s last words echo in the Captain Fembot’s ear as time flashes forward ala the movies “LUCY” and “A.I.” Everyone in the room turns

to BONES and then to DUST and then NEW AGE PEOPLE appear and they too turn to dust and then FLYING CARS appear and then the room turns to GLASS and we can see a futuristic world in the background which suddenly lights up as NUTRINO BOMBS go off in the distance. The Earth begins to die around her, but she is a robot who will live forever. Darkness sets in when suddenly an ALIEN approaches the Fembot, who is just sitting there holding Austin’s SIA DICK WIG.

INT. ALIEN SPACE CRAFT - MEDICAL RESEARCH LAB - TIME UNKNOWN

ALIENS IN LAB COATS, surrounded by beakers of colorful glowing liquids, scan Austin’s SIA DICK WIG with a black light. The light reveals splotches in the shape of a “MALE SYMBOL.” One alien nods assuringly to another. They place Austin’s SIA DICK WIG into a giant glass tube with all sorts of cables and pipes running into it. The chamber fills with GOOEY TRANSLUCENT LIQUID. The CHIEF ALIEN enters the lab. He presses his LONG ALIEN FINGERS to his temples, closes his eyes. A gentle hum begins. A BURST OF PURPLE LIGHT fills the room. The speakers in the lab suddenly turn on, emitting a loud distorted tone. The aliens try to turn the speakers off, but can’t. Suddenly, they notice in the tube…a NUDE AUSTIN POWERS suspended in the goo, which slowly begins to drain. The distortion turns into a TOTALLY SHAGADELIC BOSSA NOVA GROOVE.

Austin drops out of the bottom of the tube and onto the floor of the lab. A bit dazed and COMPLETELY NUDE, he stands look around the room trying to familiarize himself with the space.

Austin cups his genitals with his hands. A group of small LAB TECHNICIAN ALIENS surround him, checking his vitals.

The door to the lab busts open and in walks lead scientist alien ANA L’PROBE. She’s a bookish alien with glasses and wears her tentacle-hair up, but when she loses the glasses and lets down her tentacles, it’s VA-VA-VOOOOOOM! She has EIGHT BOOBS.

She extends her arm to shake hands. Austin obliges, letting go of his junk. He blushes.

INT. ALIEN SPACE CRAFT - OBSERVATION DECK - SPACE SO NOT DAY OR NIGHT

Ana leads Austin, now dressed in a FUTURISTIC JUMPSUIT, to a giant viewscreen which conveniently displays visuals for Ana’s speech…

As Ana monologues, Austin casually grabs a nearby glass of BUBBLING GREEN LIQUID and takes a long refreshing drink.

Austin performs a massive SPIT TAKE right in Ana’s face. Then he turns and spits on a nearby scientist. Then all over an important looking machine. It goes on like this for several minutes. Finally:

Ana taps a button and the viewscreen rises to reveal a WINDOW that floods the ship with GLOWING PINK LIGHT. Austin squints.

As Austin stares in awe at the Pink Hole, Ana touches his shoulder.

Knowing what he needs to do, Austin nods. He unbuckles his pants, pulls them down, and gets ready to jerk it. He closes his eyes…

Hazily at first, but then clearly, VANESSA appears--the first time he ever saw her. Austin smiles and starts jerking happily. But then VANESSA’S FEMBOT HEAD EXPLODES. Austin frowns and stops jerking. FELICITY appears. Back at it! But then she’s mauled by a CARTOON HIPPOPOTAMUS. Bummer. FOXXY appears. We’re back, baby! But then BEYONCÉ refuses to sign a new contract to appear in this film. Austin stops. He turns back toward Ana, looking sadder than we’ve ever seen him. Even his bare ass seems to have lost its lustre.

Austin closes his eyes again…

A BLUR OF WHITE, like an angel from on high, with LONG, FLOWING HAIR. As she comes into focus, the white blur coalesces into a DOCTOR’S COAT draped over Helen Mirren’s still-fantastic cleavage.

Dr. Donkey slowly saunters out of the cosmic boondocks and approaches Austin. Her boobs are like “WHAT! SERIOUSLY? AT HER AGE?”

Dr. Donkey puts her Tales from the Crypt-old finger to AUSTIN’s lips.

Austin closes his eyes. The background of space fades to white and a montage of the good times between Austin and Dr. Donkey set to Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” speeds by. Brief vignettes of them filter through. (Tandem biking in Central Park, Austin spilling mustard on his ascot while eating a corndog as Dr. Donkey smiles at him and shakes her head, Austin going through the most terrible, visceral stages of the Ebola virus and shrugging at Dr. Donkey as if to say “ain’t I a stinker?”, Austin almost spilling mustard on his ascot while eating a corndog again but Dr. Donkey catching the falling speckle of mustard just in time, causing them to meet eyes)

Donkay… I. I think I’ve got a-

Austin looks down to see that his WEENEE (played by DANNY DEVITO) is fully engorged and is already leaking marshmallow fluff out of the tip (Danny DeVito’s head). He looks back up into Dr. Donkey’s eyes…

A single drop of baby cream BLOOPS out of his Weenee. We follow the drop as it slowly flies through the depths of space, from the tip of his DeVito into the massive swirl of pink. With a IWINKLE, the drop is swallowed and the Pink Hole starts vibrating uncontrollably. The moans of a thousand species ring forth.

The planet floating at the top of the Pink Hole terraforms.

We see cells. Plants. Fish. Mothers kissing babies. Wild dogs fighting each other. Then the images start turning towards more classic stock footage: a train going into a tunnel. One of those big oil rigs pumping into the ground. A fat man eating a hot dog.

He turns, looking for Dr. Donkey’s approval, but she’s gone…or perhaps she was never there to begin with.

The terraformed planet detaches itself from the Pink Zone, and the pulsating pink mass begins to dissipate, wisping away into the darkness of space.

As the familiar sounds of Soul Bossa Nova kick up again, Austin walks up to a space diving board. He walks past the Red Bull space diver Felix Baumgartner, nervously biting his nails. Austin passes him and dives right off!

Austin plummets to this strange new earth, striking a series of horny poses on his way down. He thrusts, he booty-wiggles, he rubs his nips. Then a couch appears alongside him and he uses it to do that gag where it looks like he’s taking the stairs, an escalator, a canoe, and then an elevator. He’s falling a real long way so he just has tons of time to kill doing gags and whatnot. Finally, he hits the ground at sixty-nine thousand miles per hour and is knocked unconscious.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Austin is in a hospital bed, unconscious. From his POV, we see his eyes open. Foggy figures surround him. As they come into focus, we see that they’re all his friends: Felicity, Old Bastard, Basil, Jeremy Lin, Dr. Evil, and even Scott Evil.

Austin notices that Jeremy Lin has his body back and is also wearing a Brooklyn Nets uniform now.

Everyone laughs.

Austin is very confused by this, but before he can ask, a NURSE enters.

Everybody leaves except for Basil. Austin sits up on the side of his bed.

Austin looks out the window, up into the sky, like Emma Stone at the end of Birdman (which sucked, btw). He sees Dr. Donkey and his Danny DeVito Penis floating in the sky, waving goodbye at Austin. Austin waves back in disbelief.

A Pink Hole opens in the sky. Dr. Donkey and Danny DeVito hold hands and fly into the Pink Hole. It disappears. Austin looks to the ground below and sees EVERYBODY making FREE LOVE in a MASSIVE GLOBAL ORGY. Austin looks at the camera.

Austin whips his dick out from under his hospital gown and jumps out the window and into the orgy with glee. Freeze frame on Austin in mid-air. The Austin Powers theme music plays.

FADE TO BLACK